an actual conversation in diablo

  • FatSamurai: diablo is a world where the best thing that can happen to a person is that they die quickly and without much horrible agony
  • it's pretty much downhill from there
  • FatSamurai: you probably can't even stop at the store and get a tasty drink or snack without having some stupid imp put a flesh-eating beetle in your butt
  • "Hi Mordus, how was your day?"
  • "Well when I woke up I found out my three daughters were all possessed by spirits of filth and insanity; my dog tried to warn me about this when his head split in half and the rotting head of my grandmother burst out to scream at me, but I thought it was trying to prank me again and didn't pay it any attention.
  • "After a breakfast of crying and ineffectual prayers, I made my way to the blacksmith, who was supposed to be fixing our farm's plow. Instead I found out the blacksmith's shop and fallen into a hellish sinkhole. I could hear poor old Barton's anguished, tortured cries over the cackling, but just barely.
  • "Unable to do any work, I hoped to spend the rest of the day in the pub, trying to forget the horrors that I live with every single moment of my life. My favorite bartender had been replaced with a vampire who kept making tooth jokes, and the serving wench was being eaten alive as she tried to wait on customers. I wanted to give her a tip, you know, because I thought it was really great she was being so professional, but my beer was full of maggots and tasted like sweaty urine, so I just left.
  • "Then I ran into you, Chadwick. How's your day been?"
  • "Pfft, you big baby, my day was easily TWICE as bad as that."
  • FatSamurai: an actual conversation in diablo